Hidden Camera: College Interview Edition follows a day in the life of college interviewer Pat McLean and his interviewees. Pat’s stats are as follows: 43-year-old white male, 5’8”, BMI of 29, can’t live within 2,000 feet of Bronx county schools, owns a Siamese cat named Bella (source: National Sex Offender Registry). Our show’s got kids applying to Harvard, Princeton, and that $70K-a-year private liberal arts college as far away from their parents as possible. Suck-ups, sob stories, and The Kid Who Got a ‘Reasonably Priced’ Ninety Dollar Buzz Cut and Matching Hitler Toothbrush Mustache—you name it, we’ve got it. Prior to filming, we dig through the lockers of these contestants in a typical admissions board fashion to get a picture of their character. Before the kids get here, let’s kick this show off with an interview with the interviewer himself. 

Hidden Camera Team: Pat, why is this the job for you?

Pat: As a kid, I was never able to commit to anything.According to my wife, that hasn’t changed. As an interview contractor, I get to hop between colleges and try out different types of kids. It’s always been my passion.

Our first contestant: Julius Wellington III, age 17. Leo sun, Aries moon, Capricorn rising. Hobbies include understanding the S&P 500, donating to the RNC, and shopping at Patagonia. His locker search, conducted in early March, revealed nothing but a ghost costume with a pointy hat.

Julius: Before I leave, I must say your tie positively exudes baroque inspiration. A Rembrandt, perhaps? 

Pat: It’s actually stenciled still shots from Call Me By Your Name.

Julius: Oh, I see. I have a cousin who’s gay too. I love that you people have rights now.

Pat: It says here your parents voted for DeSantis.

Julius: Only because he talks with his hands. We’re Italian.

Our second contestant: Oliver Johnson, age 18. Virgo sun, moon, and rising. Hobbies include crying, going to couples therapy alone, and getting catcalled by elderly men on the T. A brief locker search revealed two copies of Love, Actually, and the deluxe vinyl edition of Taylor Swift’s evermore.

Pat: Your resume says you participated in the veterinary science club. What was that like?

Oliver: Looking into the eyes of a newborn goat was like staring into the azure orbs of my uncle’s second cousin, who was charred to a crisp in a horrific fire before I was born. His death left me with bipolar depression, low self esteem, erectile dysfunction, and moderate to severe eczema on my elbows and kneecaps. I describe the journey of how I overcame all four without professional help in detail in my essay—sorry about length, I went a couple thousand words over. I’ll leave a couple of copies on your desk before I go. 

Unfortunately we’ll have to end it with Oliver, as law enforcement officers entered Pat’s office with a lack of appreciation for his, in NBC-approved language, dedication to engaging with children.