For too long, seniors have remained at the peak of a hierarchical pyramid reinforced by plastic spoons and ageist fascism, ruling with absolute impunity. Although they are characterized by their innate laziness, preachy attitude, and obsession with the Ivy League, they were generally somewhat tolerable. That all changed last month— as they have become acutely unbearable, beyond their regular practice of forcing underclassmen to do their AP Statistics homework. I have teamed up with 2021’s unanimously voted Most Compassionate Teacher, math teacher Mr. Whitfield, to establish the Anti-Senior Association.

Since the beginning of the school year, seniors have teetered between mildly exasperating and fiendishly damaging. Sometimes they give ambiguous advice, like “Don’t be depressed.” Other times they lecture you on how you should study more for the SATs than they did; as if you are a vessel for redeeming their shortcomings. They seem to have no regard for the many scientific studies that indicate cerebral repercussions from too much college talk.

The Spoon Game is the first major impetus pushing seniors over the edge. Ever since the games began, seniors have acted like naught else hath value, clutching their little oval-shaped trinkets in a desperate quest for meaningless social accolades. “Seniors care more about bringing those d*mn spoons than they do about bringing pencils,” exclaimed our Benevolent Advisor, Sir Whitfield, flipping a nearby desk in his fury.

Causing even more adverse effects than the Spoon Game is college decision season, the polarizing consequences of which have either turned seniors into vegetables, or rabid animals the rest of us just have to deal with. It was bad enough when some of them started updating their Instagram bios to “fancy school ’26” in December, but the new wave of dissociation has proven to be devastating. Hall- ways are filled with the tortured wails of the damned, juxtaposed with the obnoxious rejoicing of those who achieved their dreams.

And there you have it. With claim, evidence, reasoning, and a large (extensive) thesaurus, I have established the rationale behind my motive. As I’ve transcribed this manifesto, my hand has been forced—I have no choice but to instate the Anti-Senior Association For the Betterment of the Rest of Us. To all underclassmen: you are invited to the Association, so long as you swear to fight tirelessly against the oppressive behavior of the senior class. With the support of the almighty Whitfield, we will stave off these menacing assailants to the rhyme and reason of society.

This piece also appears in our March 2022 print edition.