New Class

Every year, course selection week seems to become more and more competitive. More and more people are seeking knowledge about how to gain an edge in the process to enter AP classes, despite a visceral hatred of the College Board. This high demand prompted the creation of a new AP Course. Here is a sneak preview of the course overview: AP Course Selection BC.

This college-level course is an in-depth and rigorous study of the course selection process. Major skills to be developed include verbal,  analytical, and physical methods of getting into the classes one wants. Students will also learn a variety of strategies to reload Aspen at lightning speed. The skills learned will be applied to allow students to get into popular English electives including, but not limited to, Metaphor or Simile (it’s like a cakewalk), Mastery of Act 4: Falling Action, and I Got a Semi; Use of Colons (this class is really hard). Students who achieve subject mastery will be prepared to take the Advanced Placement Exam for Course Selection BC.

Unit 1: Emailing your Guidance Counselor

Students will be able to compose an email that conveys professionalism, respect, and groveling deference or strident dominance as applicable. Little known fact: most emails sent to guidance counselors go to the spam folder, except mail with keywords like PARTY.

Unit 2: Methods of Speed Page Reloading

In Unit 2, students will gain proficiency in the click-speed test in preparation for course selection week. Learning the proper technique is required to avoid injuries and long-term effects, including carpal tunnel syndrome and arthritis. Eli Kanner ’23, semi-pro clicker, claims to click at a rate of 12 clicks per second (cps) which is well above average for a nerd. He told the Register Forum, “I’ve found that I can make my index finger vibrate by pressing my thumb against it. Like really hard. Makes me nasty at Cookie Clicker.” All we can say is, “Gross, get a life.”

Unit 3: The Psychology of Course Selections

This unit teaches students to convince themselves to take both semesters of AP Physics C without regard for senioritis. Additionally, coping mechanisms are taught to combat the survivor’s guilt of getting into classes that are in high demand (like AP Psychology).

Unit 4: Martial Arts

The last unit will consist of hands-on activities to get students prepared for the physical altercations that come with course selection week (expect the worst). Current AP Statistics student Eytan Carolan ’23 calculated, “99% of AP Psychology students fought [physically] to get into that class.”

This piece also appears in our March 2022 print edition.