Have You Forgotten How to Ride a Bicycle?

Rufus Helmreich, Contributing Writer

You may have realized that you no longer know how to ride a bicycle. Winter time is great for many things, but cycling around town is not one of them. Well, you know what they say: it’s just like riding a bike, so you’ll pick it back up in no time. 

First things first, you’ll need a bike—maybe your current one is too old, too new, or just has a bad coat of paint? What I would recommend is to make your own. You can do this with household materials that are likely already in your home! Laundry baskets make good tires, rubber bands can serve as chains, a pillow makes a good seat, and the secret trick of the trade: forgo the kickstand. Kickstands are for losers. And now you have a bike! It’s crucial to have a soul-to-soul connection with your choice of transit, so put in the effort and get to know your ride. Maybe even light some candles and meditate in the bath with it.

You may also want to fit out your bike with all the latest and greatest technology the world has to offer. If you plan on biking to school, you might want to fashion a hook on which to hang your chromebook charger. This accessory can also carry family heirlooms, high wire, or car keys. Another handy gadget is a turkey radar. Whether you want this to stay clear of the hordes of plumaged biker gangs or to make some new friends, the turkey radar will be the envy of the town. 

To get your feet off the ground for the first time since fall, find some soft ground like a baseball or softball field before eventually graduating to a kickball field. Put your left foot on the left pedal (or your right foot on the left pedal if you’re goofy) and push off with the other foot. As for your hands, try to remember your steering technique or you may well crash. You’ll figure it out!

It may take some time for these motions to fully come back to you, so I’ll recommend some practice methods. The most effective one is to ride your bike on the wrong side of the road. This will help with improving your reaction time. And because there’s no room for failure, you’ll be motivated to learn as quickly as you can. If your muscle memory is as good as it once was, and you’re more worried about the rules of the road, I’d suggest memorizing this mantra: the road is MINE; these stupid cars, these stupid pedestrians must all bend to MY will; red lights don’t apply to me, everything thing is green for GO. Oh right, helmets. Remember that one laundry basket you never used? See you out there!