This article contains a transcribed compilation of sexist radio advertisements, colloquially known in this country as “advertisements.” Any similarity to real advertisements is extraordinarily unfortunate.

“…and lastly, McCarthy’s wife’s sister’s cousin’s use of red nail polish at her third wedding has prompted further accusations of harboring pro-Communist sentiment. Live from New York, it’s February 10th, 1954. Goodnight.”

Cut to commercials

Does your daughter enjoy going outside? Does she make irresponsible eye contact with members of the opposite sex? Even worse, does she own pants? We all know your daughter is an object; here’s how to get her to act like one.

At our three-week summer institution (not to be confused with a summer “camp” for boys that incorporates physical activity, three square meals a day, and other unladylike activities), tutors of former first ladies will transform your daughter from a happy, free girl to one worthy of the title “housewife.”

After three short weeks and $10,000 she’ll be a father’s dream (marriage not included). The book in her hand will be replaced by a baby; you’ll never need to tell her to smile; she will have learned to stop engaging in unbecoming behaviors such as using the bathroom. She will be unhappily married by the age of 20—or your money back!

Cut

Do you eagerly anticipate your nightly beans and rice, only to find an unsightly speck on your fine china? It’s not the dishwasher; it’s the wife!

Don’t throw out the ol’ faithful washer after all that it’s done for you over the years—turn to Chewy’s dog behavior-correcting medication, now tweaked for women! Pop a smidgen of our patented syrup into your wife’s lemon water; within 24 short hours, it will transform her from slacker to dish stacker.

Every piece of fine china will be sparkling by the time you return from your evening rendezvous with your mistress. Our secret ingredient? Black tar heroin. So grab your city hat, pop into that Volkswagen, and head on over to your local pet store today.

Cut

Hey ladies! Have you accomplished your first life goal of marrying a man? Are you looking to start a family? Just kidding! We know that choice isn’t up to you.

If your past child-bearing attempts have proven unsuccessful, be sure to check out Penguin Books’ upcoming publication A Guide to Pregnancy, by men, for men. Chock-full of helpful pregnancy basics, our guide will tell you exactly what to expect.

Social etiquette? We’ve got you covered—if you happen to get your period, go sit in the woods and think about what you’ve done. Pregnancy progression?
Gaining weight before one’s due date only occurs to those who lack the willpower to suppress their baby bump. Be sure to ask for your husband’s assistance in reading A Guide to Pregnancy, as it may contain difficult words such as ‘‘baby,” “vomit,” and “ow.”

This piece also appears in our February 2022 print edition.