Since colleges will be releasing decisions soon, the Register Forum is here to help seniors avoid haphazardly enrolling in a school without sufficient foresight! Heed our advice for a college experience with a 100% satisfaction guarantee (pending official ratification).

Q: How do I pick the college that’s right for me?
A: Read some tarot cards! If your local psychic is unavailable due to the influx of directionless seniors like yourself, consider resorting to astrology TikTok to ask a licensed 12-year-old whether the stars align and the college fits your vibe! #PrimarySources.

Q: How do I choose my major?
A: If you really don’t know where to start, post a slew of unlabeled Instagram polls on your story—one for each major! To determine worthy candidates, you’ll want to pick options with plenty of opportunities on the job market—in particular, look into musical theater, puppet arts, the history of art, and theme park technology.

Q: How do I figure out the financial aid situation?

A: Use a graphing calculator and graph it. Remember, the most used math in life is calculus. Find the derivative of a sine function and take the number one off from the standard deviation. And then you’re going to apply the commutative property, and remember: y=mx+b!

Q: Should I connect with current students at a college I was accepted to?

A: Absolutely! As soon as you get into a college, make sure you go to Instagram and follow every student that attends that school. If they don’t follow you back, don’t take it personally! Send a direct message to tell them who you are. Don’t let getting blocked deter you from connection! If possible, arrive unannounced at their dorm for dinner to connect on an even deeper level. Remember the #1 rule of networking: you are what you eat!

Q: How do I make new friends?

A: Consider looking for an Instagram page dedicated to the class of 2026 at your respective school. Follow everyone who’s been posted on the page, and make sure to like and comment on every post. Don’t forget to add all your new friends on Snapchat and try to start a streak! You will be sure to make your mark as the most popular kid before you even get to campus.

Q: What are the top things I should look for in a college?

A: The first thing college ranking sites look for is a big endowment—the bigger, the better.

Q: How do I pick a fraternity?
A: Here are the real questions you should be asking yourself: What are the frat parties like? Is this the kind of place where I’ll make lifelong friends? Is this really what I want? Perhaps the most important question of all: what would our favorite white boy, Troy Bolton, do?

This piece also appears in our February 2022 print edition.