New Year’s Resolutions: Then and Now

Nuriel Vera-Degraff and Ishraaq Ahmed

Seccs Ualgras, Freshman

How it started: “I didn’t really go outside in 2021, so in 2022 I just want to touch some grass.”

How it’s going: Seccs is now married to an especially long blade of grass. She’s already had three children, and is expecting twins. Unfortunately, due to an extended period of isolation and lack of sunlight last year, her skin developed an allergy to sunlight, fresh air, and most naturally occurring varieties of grass. She’s working on treatment, braving unending rashes made worse by intimacy with her beloved blade.

Hugh Jass, Sophomore

How it started: “In 2021, I want to learn how to twerk. Not just, like, basic booty shakes—I need to be the best twerker in the whole wide world.”

How it’s going: Merely three weeks into January, Hugh went viral on TikTok for his rear-body convulsions, landing him contracts with 27 music video casting directors, eight sugar mommies, three sugar daddies, and one adult film company.

Benjamin Dovér, Junior

How it started: “I’m a very insecure person. The pandemic has been great for me, since I’ve been able to use my mask to hide the bottom half of my face. This year, no matter what happens with COVID-19, I don’t want anyone to see the bottom half of my face. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

How it’s going: Benjamin now has separation anxiety with his mask. He sleeps with it and has learned to eat with it too. Ben has an appointment next week with the top plastic surgeon in the country. The procedure will be groundbreaking, appending a KN95 mask to the lower half of Benjamin’s face, leaving pores for breathing and ingesting food.

Valerie Diktorean, Senior

How it started: “I want to get the very best grades in all of my classes my second semester! Straight A’s won’t do—I must get perfect 100’s on every single assignment.”

How it’s going: Val is currently ranked #1 on the prestigious US News and World Report Best Students list. She hasn’t slept in three weeks, due to over-perfecting her homework and blocking Ivy League admissions officers on Tinder, Twitter, and TikTok. Just last night, she had to use her massive AP Physics C textbook to swiftly knock out Harvard’s entire admissions department after they tried to abduct her at 3:00 AM. 

Anne Ziety, Junior

How it started:I will not get COVID this year. I’ve already gone through 894 bottles of hand sanitizer, 31,229 masks, 4,324 pairs of gloves, and 1,379 antigen test kits. Like any decent person, I’m fully vaccinated, but what separates me from the pack is my booster count—I recently hit seventeen. At this point, needles are no barrier for me. I know this virus is getting everyone, but it won’t get me. I’m built different.”

How it’s going: During her twice-daily testing routine, Anne tested positive. She’s currently in self-isolation—doctors identified her as the first recorded case of the highly contagious Sigma variant. She’s recovering well … but her ego won’t.