Valentine’s Day Tips

Meiya Weeks, Contributing Writer

Tip #1: Keep an eye out for red flags in potential partners, as these may be a sign of Soviet-style communism.  

Tip #2: Recent studies reveal responders prefer being forced into the back of a white van over being forced to listen to pickup lines. Don’t use pickup lines.

Tip #3: Swap out traditional rom-coms for a Hitchcock horror film to pay homage to the gruesome origins of the holiday.

Tip #4: Stalk prospective dates on social media 5-10 business days in advance to maintain a nonchalant aura during the holiday itself. 

Tip #5: Subtly hint at a breakup by suggesting an eight-hour Adam Sandler movie marathon.