Disclaimer: This guide is neither helpful nor timely, as finals week will have been long gone by the time this is published. Its arbitrary, disappointing nature will both raise your hopes and violently dash them all at once, similar to the exams themselves. 

Do you suffer from the primal urge to hunt and kill the original creators of Aspen? Do you spend hours calculating the minimum scores it would take to safely pass your classes without bringing shame upon your ancestors and permanently laying waste to the hopes and dreams of your future offspring? Are your days spent stressing over DBQs, FRQs, SAQs, and STDs?

If so, you may be suffering from common symptoms of finals week. Or possibly, a hernia. Regardless, the Register Forum is committed to keeping your spirits as high as your caffeine-to-blood ratio. To pay homage to the childish mnemonics that are all the rage this time of year, here are some ABCs to get you through finals week. 

All-nighters

For those who get the CDC-recommended amount of REM sleep on a nightly basis, pulling an all-nighter may seem like a daunting task. However, desperate times call for desperate measures! If you’re taking your first foray into late-night studying, there are a few health metrics you should keep track of during your energy drink-fuelled nocturnal shenanigans. Analyze each drink in categories such as eye twitches per minute (ETPMs), bathroom-trips-to-can ratio, or the number of times your family inquires into the cause of your bloodshot eyes and panicked demeanor within a 24-hour period.

Breaks

Inevitably, you will resign yourself to the crushing weight of failure, throwing tantrums proportional in magnitude to the danger your exam scores pose to your slipping grades. Once you’ve purged family cookbooks of any mentions of macromolecules, sending the offending pages through the meat mincer in rebellion against AP Biology, it might be a good idea to lay off the books for a few hours. To maximize restorative, rejuvenating, and refreshing effects, researchers have proven that the optimal study break involves vigorous use of both the mind and body through a high adrenaline undertaking. In layman’s terms, put on some EDM, nab some beef, and get mincing.

Clubs

The notoriously time-consuming nature of clubs often renders meetings empty to all but the leadership council during finals week. At the Register Forum, however, we urge you to take advantage of the restorative power of school clubs! Analyzing the color, shape, texture, and density of brioche for hours on end at a Gluten Club meeting has been enthusiastically touted as a viable alternative to therapy. The same goes for doggedly chugging milk at Lactose-Intolerance Club, as well as finally finishing overdue elementary art projects with newly purchased left-handed scissors at Lefty Club. Have fun with it; the world is your oyster! [Disclaimer: this has been an unpaid advertisement for the CRLS Mariana Trench Winter Deep Sea Diving Club]

As each and every student at CRLS diligently reads each edition of the Register Forum, taking in each sentence with its deserved reverence, we anticipate an influx in well-caffeinated, community-oriented, jovial meat-eaters.