In a first-of-its-kind media event, the Register Forum presents the Yelp-Review Review! Our team of skilled analysts compiled a shortlist of 100% genuine internet reviews of local establishments and services. By a series of classified metrics formulated in-house, each review will be ranked on a scale of 1 to 5 regarding accuracy, creativity, and shock factor.

Hi-Rise Bread Company

Review: [1/5 stars] How is this “bakery” still in business? With a renaissance of COVID bakers, the standard for sourdough is at an all-time high. Indeed, such a high-class bakery as Hi-Rise should have enough yeast to elevate what the typical layperson is capable of in their home kitchen?? Just because this joint sells expensive baguettes doesn’t mean they’re any good or worth your time.

RF: [1/5 stars]  Why are you bothering with such an overpriced bakery if you have such high standards? Some alternatives include training your third grader in the dough art or hiring a freelance rat chef from Paris to handle your baking needs.

School Wifi

Review: [1/5 stars] Literally no service in the basement.

RF: [3/5 stars] Try to focus on dance class instead of looking for Andrew Garfield’s TikToks.

Review: [2/5 stars] Once I canoed to the middle of Lake Cayuga and had two WiFi bars. Better signal than my CM.

RF: [4/5 stars] Unbelievable. I’m astonished that CRLS doesn’t have good WiFi for the outstanding scholars attending this prestigious institution.

Cambridge Public School District

Review: [1/5 stars] What you people did to the First Lady is truly disgusting. Rejecting her gift of children’s books proves just how low and out of touch the leftwinged demo-rats have become. Is Cat In The Hat really that racist? You are just Trump haters running a bigoted school. Shame on you and all involved.

RF: [1.5/5 stars] First of all, it’s just a book; the world isn’t ending. Second, what’s even lower and more out of touch is gifting books to a school with infinite resources instead of an underfunded school. 

Harvard Square Train Station

Review: [3/5 stars] Good food but poor service. The waitress wasn’t attentive, and so our food went to the wrong table at first. We didn’t get the iced tea we ordered despite reminding the waiter.

RF: [5/5] Next time, order the roadkill burger. The rats are cooked fresh on the third rail! 

Starbucks

Review: [1/5 stars] If I could give this Starbucks zero stars, I would. I always get the same thing: an iced matcha latte with oat milk, but the barista at this second-rate Starbucks gave me almond milk. I have an almond allergy, and I am livid I had to go through such a traumatic experience.

RF: [1/5 stars] That’s appalling. Here is a suggestion that won’t involve a trip to the hospital: instead of buying expensive coffee at Starbucks, consider making your coffee at home.