Welcome to NPR brainTrust

– New Year’s Special –

Earnest Raucous: Everyone knows it’s about that time of year again — New Year’s! So, to help you all, we have with us today two experts on New Year’s Resolutions: firstly, renowned psychologist Dr. Anna Lang, and next, a very special guest who traveled all the way from the underworld to be here, the Demon of New Years Past!… but he prefers to just go by Frank.

Raucous: Well, the holiday season is almost over, and I’m sure everyone is excited to be getting away from family soon, but sadly we’re stuck with them for the rest of the year! Get it?

Lang: What delightful wit!

Frank: I like that joke because I too do not like my family.

Raucous: It’s time for countdowns, fireworks, making resolutions, and, of course, breaking resolutions. However, we’re gonna try to be better this year. Dr. Lang, you wrote a book on New Year’s Resolutions, will you say a bit about it?

Lang: Of course! It’s titled “The Key to Consistency, a Guide on Resolutions”. I published it just last month and it’s already up for a Pulitzer Prize.

Raucous: That’s amazing! So, do tell, what are some of your secrets on how to stay consistent?

Lang: First of all, make your resolution something realistic—don’t set yourself up for failure. Also, don’t be too hard on yourself if your motivation dwindles with time. Remember why you set your goal in the first place, and celebrate all your progress, no matter how small. Also, fiber. These are the strategies I used to teach myself Latin and Ancient Greek, find the lost city of Atlantis, and become the first person to step foot on Mars, all in one year! It just comes down to hard work and dedication.

Raucous: I remember reading an article on how you were the first author to become a best-seller on two different planets! So Frank, you must have your own opinions, what’s your advice on resolutions?

Frank: If I could give any advice, it would be to shoot for the stars. The Doctor here went to Mars—no big deal. I say go to Pluto! Just remember, if at first you don’t succeed, you never will and you should probably just give up.

Lang: That’s terrible advice! I’ve done countless studies, both on humans and martians, so you can trust me when I say that setting impossible goals and giving up when you make one mistake never works!

Frank: Listen, I’ve been on this God-forsaken space rock since the dawn of time because it’s MY JOB to get people into Hell. I’m the guy who invented bad habits. You can’t stop biting your fingernails? That’s me. You hoard coupons even after they expire? Me again. You procrastinate all of your tasks to the point that you refuse to start anything until an hour before it’s due? All me baby! SO WOULD YOU KINDLY…

Cut to an ad for light-up Christmas stockings that also charge your phone.