Note from the author: While the following article has been published under the Register Forum’s humor section, I wholeheartedly believe in every argument you will find below. For more nuanced perspectives on milk, feel free to reach me at [email protected].

When it comes to drinks— hot or cold, sweet or sour, juicy or thick—there’s been a clear winner since 4000 BCE. During this hydrational renaissance, some radically ingenious Neolithic British and Northern European farmers began partnering with cows on the revolutionary thirst quencher we all know as milk. Contrary to popular belief, farmers and cattle have never had any beef—primary sources actually report that cows were proud of these farmers’ ability to reach for the cow’s udder, so to speak.

Since then, despite some changes to the milk preparation process, cow milk is still the influential phenomenon it was 6000 years ago (henceforth referred to as “milk” for simplicity; all non-dairy milk-like impostors are unworthy of the name, the honor, and any real estate in this article). Since its inception, milk has reigned as champion of beverage nutrition, palate, and societal impact.

The most obvious source of milk’s superiority is its health benefits. From being an overwhelmingly concentrated protein source to providing more than enough calcium and vitamin D for your bones, milk is an all-in-one super shake. Not only can milk help with gaining muscle and supercharging your skeleton, but it’s also chock-full of growth factors that can add a few inches wherever they’re needed most. Take it from me: before my lactic awakening, I’d always lagged behind my peers when it came to vertical progress. As soon as I upped my intake, however, the change was immediate! Just half a gallon a day went quite a long way.

Some call it an impossible feat for a beverage to be excruciatingly healthy while mouth-wateringly delicious. To those mistaken individuals, I ask: have you ever tried milk? Every glass is unique, but each drop of the delightful drink shares a few key qualities: a tantalizingly smooth and silky consistency, a smile-inducing sweetness, and that special satisfactory sensation you can’t find anywhere else. It’s impossible to picture anyone having a sip and not wanting more!

Milk isn’t the best just because of its nutritional value or because of its impeccable flavor. In the modern American high school, milk has generated a culture of solidarity and understanding; it is the beverage that brings us all together. Whether you’re a decent human being and love milk or you’re ethically flawed (or otherwise stubbornly opposed to the creamy nectar from above), milk will forever take part in your daily lunchtime routine. Whether you merely eye those beautiful blue and white cartons from afar, begrudgingly sip the 2% ambrosia, or religiously fulfill your calling through daily consumption—milk is always there, always good, and always right.

That’s the common theme here: goodness. Milk is good. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you and doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

This article also appears in our October 2021 print edition.