February Horoscopes

Copious amounts of research were put into this month’s horoscopes to give you the most accurate readings (written by a Taurus).

Aries: March 21 – April 19

Your valentine’s day will either end in a fiery new romance, or a brutal end to your long-term relationship. Sorry. 

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

Stop trying so hard. If you’re still on delivered, they definitely don’t like you back.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

Now is the time to explore—be bold! Don’t be afraid to send a singing valentine, or twenty. The acapella groups will appreciate your donations.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

That sneaky link you’re considering—maybe don’t do it. Just wait until next month. Better yet, next year.

Leo: July 23 – August 22

Tone down your confidence a little, Leo. Not everyone wants a piece of your pie.

Virgo: August 23 – Sept 22

Stop psychoanalyzing your friends and stalking their snap score. It’s getting weird.

Libra: Sept 23 – Oct 22

You nourish the people around you. Ask them to start calling you “mommy.”

Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21

Now is not the time to be fantasizing about your teachers. Stop looking at the Snapchat stories about their cat.

Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21

Stop wandering the hallways like a lost dog. The busy acapella singers will mow you down.

Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 19

Your simp efforts might just pay off this month. Go big or go home.

Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18

Your clear vision is actually just stuck on Uranus. Unclog yourself and come back to Earth.

Pisces: Feb 19 – March 20

Tone it down a little this month. Let’s try for a dry month this February.